It’s Been A While

June 22, 2025

It’s been a long time since I last posted, and a lot has changed.

I started a new job, working as a Direct Support Professional (DSP) with individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Though it can be stressful at times, I love the job and the people I work with! I began with supported employment and day habilitation services, then moved to supported living services. I am now working in a group home, providing round-the-clock care for three individuals, where I work for 72 – 96 hour shifts per week. I am usually quite exhausted by the end of my shifts, and it doesn’t leave much time for writing. But I am trying to arrange a new schedule for writing, so please bear with me as I make this adjustment.

I also sold my cabin, made a temporary move to Virginia, which didn’t work out. So, I came back to Alaska and bought a place just outside of Talkeetna. I lost all of my cats, so it’s just me and my dog, Tulie, now.

Another major change has been accepting that I have C-PTSD. I am still learning about what that means, and finding ways to cope and live with it. It’s hard. Really hard sometimes. Especially since I’ve spent the majority of my life hiding it, ignoring it, and pretending that I’m fine. I won’t go into the details now, for there are far too many. But I reached the point in 2020 where all I could feel was numb. It’s ironic that more than a few people I have met in the DSP field also live with PTSD. I think that in some way, through helping others to live the best life possible, we find ways to help ourselves learn to live again, to find joy and purpose.

Since I don’t do well in opening up to others face-to-face about the darkness I feel inside, it was suggested that I use writing as a means for therapy. I’m only just getting started with that, and it’s difficult at best. Many times I sit down to write and the self-protecting mechanisms my brain has put in place throughout my life will cause my mind to go blank. But with concentration and a lot of effort, the thoughts come. And so do the feelings. Though the thoughts are not very organized, I fight through the tears to get the words down. Oftentimes, it leaves me exhausted and weak from stirring up memories that I would rather forget. But other times, it is a release, like a burden being lifted.

I don’t know where this journey will lead me, but I know that I can’t stay where I was, in a dark fog with no meaning, no purpose, no joy, and no life. I cannot erase the past traumas, and I can’t keep them hidden any longer. But by the grace of God, I will be more than a survivor. I will be a conqueror! I promise I will learn to live again, and I will do my best to help others along the way. I’m not sure exactly what that looks like just yet, but I continue to learn every day.

Maybe my life won’t ever be a perfect picture with a detailed plan of action. But maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it’s in the little moments of each new day, each new breath, each experience, where real life is found.

My goal is to begin posting at least once a week for now. I hope you will forgive the random thoughts as I get back on track, and I will probably be re-arranging the site a bit (after I re-learn the technological parts…again). I welcome your thoughts and comments, so please feel free to share.

God bless, and have a great week!

– Amber